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You Are Stressed Because You Are Not In Control!
Three strategies to fix that!
Full disclosure: I am writing this during a period of chaos. I am changing jobs in my 9–5 life, we are renovating the house, my son is planning his wedding, I’m working on being more consistent in my writing, and my current job has some challenges of its own I need to resolve before I leave.
What follows isn’t theory!
I remember as a kid at swimming lessons, not being able to grab the ladder to get out of the pool at the end of a gruelling 45 minutes lesson for an 8 year old.
Everyone was clamouring for it and I was being pushed out of the way.
Each time I reached for it, it seemed like I had less chance of grasping it. I couldn’t take a breath without a gulp of water.
I started to panic. I wasn’t going to make it.
With all these kids around me, I couldn’t find safety.
PANIC!
In that moment, I had lost control of my situation.
Then a hand grabbed my arm and pulled me to the ladder. I grasped hold, breathed in a lungful of air. Safe.
The world can feel like drowning with no access to a ladder for escape. No-one to pull you to safety. You’re gulping water, not air.
We want the world to stop, or at least, slow down … just for a minute ... please!
We need to take a breath.
The world is in control!
Stopping, or slowing down, as we’d like to, is not an option our current environment offers too often. It’s all go, go, go. It’s “flat out” or stop!
Work commitments, bills, errands, family — all demand their time and attention — to the cost of our own.
But we would rarely trade any of these things! (Maybe the bills).
So what do we do?
This is a time eternal problem for everyone.
Do I expect to solve this problem in a Medium article?
Yes! Yes, I do! (Well, I’m willing to give it a go!)
Life will always have its problems
There is no smooth sailing throughout life. We wouldn’t want there to be.
Problems force us to grow as individual and communities. So when a challenge comes, or a bump in the road, we may as well respond with something like: “How marvellous!”
The solution is to gain control over the things we can control!
Ah! Now we’re talking!
Even as I write that, a hint of enablement hits me. A small skerrick of power, even! A smidgen of solace!
Where to start?
If we look at our immediate surroundings I can identify three areas.
We’ve seen them before. I am sure most of us have tried them at different times, but perhaps not with the focus of controlling anxiety or stress.
But before we get to them, let’s look at our three sphere’s of impact!
(1) The Circle of Control — elements we can directly affect without any input or influence from others.
- what time we choose to get up
- what time we choose to go to bed
- what we choose to eat and drink
- what our personal hobbies are
(2) The Circle of Influence but not complete control:
- what time our kids wake up or got to bed! 😉
- how we go about our work (policies, processes, managers, colleagues all impacting on us)
- behaviours of our partner that may irk us
(3) The Circle of Concern — things that bother us which we have little to no control over, but remain on our minds nevertheless.
- international conflict
- the rising cost of living
- political decisions we can’t agree with morally
- what your adult sister/brother wore to the wedding! 😉
Let’s start with diet — it’s not just about food!
It’s about whatever we consume.
In relation to food itself, I am not a dietician or qualified health expert in any way but because of my trifecta of heart disease, diabetes and sleep apnea, I have researched what is best for me.
It comes down to whole foods, balanced diet and no “poisons” — which includes alcohol. Which is a bit of a shame as I love a good Negroni!
But what I consume definitely falls in the Circle of Control category!
I am in control of my diet, not my friends, the occasion, or the time of day. I choose what goes into my mouth.
When life gets chaotic and out of control we often turn to “comfort foods!” I know of two friends who “self medicate” after work! They think it doesn’t affect them but, at least from personal experience, it does over time.
On the upside, just five days of abstinence and my sleep quality goes through the roof and my work days are “clearer” with more energy!
But consumption is more than food. It applies to what we consume in our environment, and applies to things like the news.
I was speaking with friends on the weekend and they mentioned the cyclones in New Zealand last year.
I had no idea. I don’t listen to the news!
That may sound lazy, ignorant or make me a uniformed Luddite.
Perhaps, but the news is frequently negative, biased and provides only the “headlines” without fully informing the public. I’d dare say it is designed to unbalance us, cause anxiety and keep us fearful.
If you knew someone like that, would you continue to listen to and, worse, believe them?
“If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re mis-informed.” — Mark Twain
I’d rather be uninformed than misinformed — and less stressed about things I cannot control.
Secondly, your schedule.
Who is in control of that?
I’d guess it’s not you!
Not by default, anyway. It’s likely your “significant others” — your boss, kids, spouse, bank, utilities, social scene may have something to say about that.
Once you acknowledge these “imposers of schedules”, you can take steps to gain control back into the life you want to have.
Here’s three ways to do just that:
1. Kill Your Darlings — One of your “darlings” is your comfort zone! You know it’s true! And part of your comfort zone is not upsetting anyone! Always uncomfortable saying “no!”
There is a solution.
The ability to say “No” is easier when there is a more burning “Yes” within you, or within your schedule.
How can you create more burning “Yes’s”? — Add your priorities and needs to your schedule first!
2. Weekly planning — Every Sunday, carve out 30 minutes to plan your week. Take a balanced view so your “significant others” get the attention they need (as opposed to want or demand) and block time for yourself.
To make this more productive, add tasks or items so you know what to do when the time arrives. Don’t just have the time, do something with it.
If you don’t, others will ask for that time and you’ll default to, “Well, I don’t have anything planned, so … sure!”
🤬 Loss of control!
3. Plan for pleasure — this isn’t only about social time.
Work is far more pleasurable when it’s not a chore. But even pleasant tasks will become chores if you lack the energy or the time you’d like to allow. Plan your time to focus on energy and outcomes.
Pro Tip: In addition to listing what you’ll do in your blocks of time, add a time estimate for each task. To gamify it, try and beat the estimated time, if that will help. (don’t, if it won't!)
Lastly, exercise, or simply … “movement”.
This isn’t about becoming ripped or buff or lean or whatever term is currently being used.
It’s about regaining control. Which may lead to a better body, but it’s not the goal here.
It is simply about, “I really should get of my butt more and get some exercise.”
Here are three things you can do. They are super simple and remember, it’s about regaining control in common every day ways.
- The daily walk — keep it consistent. If you only fit it in when you can, it implies are other things are taking priority.
- Getting off the bus or train one stop before the end of the ride — this is similar to the morning walk but maybe getting out of the house itself is chaos. Can you get off one stop earlier?
- Work breaks — every 90 minutes step away from the desk. This allows you to get exercise if you go for a short work, do 10 push ups or whatever takes your fancy. Don’t slog away for someone else’s schedule before your own.
Living the “Dream!”
As you do these small, seemingly innocuous things, small feelings of control and enablement start to grow.
You are in charge of your situation.
Even things that seem out of your control seem easier to manage.
Your stress levels come down, and you feel better able to manage the screaming jets all around you. You begin to say “No” because you have something more important to do, one of which is grab hold of the ladder of mental and emotional health.
Enjoy your own little piece of (your) World Domination!
❤️ Thank you for reading this far. In a world that is always throwing up challenges and chaos, gaining our own “piece of peace” becomes a super power.
If you found this helpful and it triggered thoughts to help you gain control of your world, please share it with others who may benefit as well. — Bill
